December

I could have loved you so much better
but let's face it,
there wasn't much left of me to offer
I'm not walking in the dark anymore
I know my fairytale doesn't exist
and when you say you won't be home
soon enough it will be like living with a ghost
only with unmet expectations
and soon enough it will take more to sleep
without leaving the lights on
when the lake flows
the river is always dry
I never had enough to give
at least never all at once
whispers on pillows never leave a mark
and my mind will always run faster than the time
soon enough it will slip
and the noise won't be loud enough to remember

At the end of the bottle

No amount of logic or reason, could make me see the feeling in your eyes when you look at me. These words come out, and the voice grows soft, but I'd never know if it's a pause to laugh or a shared silent moment of thought. I'm distant when I think I'm all there. And I'm lost when you think I'm walking along side you. I'd never cease to ask what's wrong, just to always make sure nothing was. I'll never hear the sadness in your voice, or know when it's time to stop joking. I'll assume everything is flowers and rainbows, until I stop and realize I haven't taken the time to figure you into the picture. I'll plan it all, the moment I wake in my head, but not care to ask if you want to do any of those things. The worst, about that, is my plans are always set in stone, unless you'd be patient enough to talk me through an anxiety attack for the next thirty minutes. It's the sound of the hat hitting the floor, and the next minute you might as well have been the person I hardly knew. But I don't want to forget you. I couldn't tell you why I hold on to certain things, and let the others go. And every day is a different book, with a new story to unfold. But I never said I wanted to live like this, and I never said I could.

But I'll love you with everything I've got to give, it's an ever growing notion. I can tell you I'll never stop keeping you in my heart, even near the end of our road.

binoculars

Forget what I think
the world knows

Forget what's behind us
it's all about the day

Don't mind the kocks at the door
unless it's me behind the frames

Don't mind the restless voices
they've got no validity anyways

we'll be okay
we'll be great by the way

The better part of me is you
having that is all the sense I could ever use

Set

I could love you with my hands
but it would only be the skin of it

I could love you with my intent
but that would only be the eyes of it

and I could love you with my heart
but that was only the start of it

I could love you with my soul
but my mouth could only tell you the half of it

I could love you in the whole
and you'd begin to get the gist of it

and I do love you with all my self
I do

three months

I will always be alone
in my thoughts
in a crowded theater
knowing everyone will be confused or wounded in my words
and you could tell me you love me
but who would I be to ever say I felt it

I will always be lost
in your words
in my mind rehearsed
knowing that I'd always hurt you
and you could tell me you loved me
but I never feel deserving

I could do all the things in this world that you could ever need me to
I could drive for miles
and I could make you anything
but maybe that just means,
that some how I can think of all the ways to make you love me
but it doesn't mean you ever will

Can people with Aspergers really love anyone?

I'll start by saying, I never felt loved as a child, or growing into an adult. I don't look for pity, I'm just saying what it was like to grow up without knowing I had Aspergers. I never understood how my father would say he loved me but never made an effort to see me. And I never understood why my mother couldn't love me the way I wanted her to. Growing older I saw (figured out) that it was because he was a bad person, and that my mom, as all people do, love each other differently. I never understood why no one wanted to be friends with me, and why they all liked things I didn't. For days on days I would do nothing but use the bathroom and build massive multi-room tents with blankets and chairs, instead of asking friends to come over. I had a few friends in school, they came and left quickly, because (I believe now) that all my friendships were one sided because I didn't know what other kids wanted out of me as a friend. Starting to have boyfriends all the same things would happen person after person. I was highly offensive and their friends would not think I was funny but crass. I would never know what they were feeling so I was pushy and annoying. They would say they loved me but I never could see that they did, so I would lash out and get angry. I was cold and very vague, and never liked touching people. This isn't the best form of girlfriend. So people pull away and make heavy distances because I would push them away or I wouldn't be a kind enough person to them. But I never knew why all of this was happening, why I had no friends, or good bonds with anyone, until I was diagnosed with Aspergers.

Coming to terms with why I could never understand peoples feelings and responding accordingly, or respond at all and not withdrawal, has been an ever more complicated road. Retracing all of my past experiences with friends and relationships, realizing that I was so lost in all of it. I always thought I was a selfish person, because people told me I only cared about my feelings, but really I just didn't know what they were feeling. And I had no clue that I was suppose to know, and look for it. It has always been the demise of human relationships for me, and I get scared of hurting people, so I pull away. It's easier to be alone than to have to track and pay 100% attention to what people are feeling and thinking and then try to come up with some way (that you won't really ever know if is the right thing to do) to react to the situation.

So can you love without ever knowing what love feels like to anyone else? Can you love someone and never know how to respond to their love? Can you love someone when you have never felt love from anyone before?

I don't know. But what I do know, is that, I can feel hurt like I know what love is.

Title

I wish you could love like I love
feel what I feel
so I would always know
what way you bend
fold and mend

time would pass
like how every day is amazing
and it would fly
like every day was the beginning
and it could be
if it would be

like how a moment is an eternity
and ever will be ever
as long as ever can last