Set

I could love you with my hands
but it would only be the skin of it

I could love you with my intent
but that would only be the eyes of it

and I could love you with my heart
but that was only the start of it

I could love you with my soul
but my mouth could only tell you the half of it

I could love you in the whole
and you'd begin to get the gist of it

and I do love you with all my self
I do

three months

I will always be alone
in my thoughts
in a crowded theater
knowing everyone will be confused or wounded in my words
and you could tell me you love me
but who would I be to ever say I felt it

I will always be lost
in your words
in my mind rehearsed
knowing that I'd always hurt you
and you could tell me you loved me
but I never feel deserving

I could do all the things in this world that you could ever need me to
I could drive for miles
and I could make you anything
but maybe that just means,
that some how I can think of all the ways to make you love me
but it doesn't mean you ever will

Can people with Aspergers really love anyone?

I'll start by saying, I never felt loved as a child, or growing into an adult. I don't look for pity, I'm just saying what it was like to grow up without knowing I had Aspergers. I never understood how my father would say he loved me but never made an effort to see me. And I never understood why my mother couldn't love me the way I wanted her to. Growing older I saw (figured out) that it was because he was a bad person, and that my mom, as all people do, love each other differently. I never understood why no one wanted to be friends with me, and why they all liked things I didn't. For days on days I would do nothing but use the bathroom and build massive multi-room tents with blankets and chairs, instead of asking friends to come over. I had a few friends in school, they came and left quickly, because (I believe now) that all my friendships were one sided because I didn't know what other kids wanted out of me as a friend. Starting to have boyfriends all the same things would happen person after person. I was highly offensive and their friends would not think I was funny but crass. I would never know what they were feeling so I was pushy and annoying. They would say they loved me but I never could see that they did, so I would lash out and get angry. I was cold and very vague, and never liked touching people. This isn't the best form of girlfriend. So people pull away and make heavy distances because I would push them away or I wouldn't be a kind enough person to them. But I never knew why all of this was happening, why I had no friends, or good bonds with anyone, until I was diagnosed with Aspergers.

Coming to terms with why I could never understand peoples feelings and responding accordingly, or respond at all and not withdrawal, has been an ever more complicated road. Retracing all of my past experiences with friends and relationships, realizing that I was so lost in all of it. I always thought I was a selfish person, because people told me I only cared about my feelings, but really I just didn't know what they were feeling. And I had no clue that I was suppose to know, and look for it. It has always been the demise of human relationships for me, and I get scared of hurting people, so I pull away. It's easier to be alone than to have to track and pay 100% attention to what people are feeling and thinking and then try to come up with some way (that you won't really ever know if is the right thing to do) to react to the situation.

So can you love without ever knowing what love feels like to anyone else? Can you love someone and never know how to respond to their love? Can you love someone when you have never felt love from anyone before?

I don't know. But what I do know, is that, I can feel hurt like I know what love is.

Title

I wish you could love like I love
feel what I feel
so I would always know
what way you bend
fold and mend

time would pass
like how every day is amazing
and it would fly
like every day was the beginning
and it could be
if it would be

like how a moment is an eternity
and ever will be ever
as long as ever can last

Numbers

With my nerves wrecked
and mind exhausted
my hands shake
and heart skips

It's a circle I run around in

I don't want to run in circles anymore
and I don't want to tell myself I can't do it
Don't want to say I'm not that person

If everything was meant to be
and I never get to have this
I'd never want any of it
I'd have let it all go to waste

where did my heart go
cause all I ever wanted was to give it all to you
now it doesn't seem like you ever thought it was there to begin
well it was, it is

and if I can't show you just how much I feel
than I never even deserved you,
never for a moment at all

Cars

It's like chasing the dragon you never catch
except you'll get it every time
if only you had asked
and it's hitting the pedal to the floor
but your not going anywhere any more

how you wished you'd always be there
but some how you're always stuck in a place
stuck in a corner of your mind
pretending the days don't mash together
that strings of thought
don't go placing land mines
exploding with every re-encounter

it's pretending the coffee never smells the same
and it's telling you the door is always closed behind you
if this is what you wanted,
you'd never have to worry
this is all you get

at what point
do the wheels keep turning with no tread
the veins in your elbow can't burst once again
saying too many things at once
get's old

the hands are always changing
same place different moments
and I like the smell of your coffee
being in this belt is less of a curse than
and I have nothing to say
when your hand is the hand that feeds me
mine will just be the ones that need you