I'll start by saying, I never felt loved as a child, or growing into an adult. I don't look for pity, I'm just saying what it was like to grow up without knowing I had Aspergers. I never understood how my father would say he loved me but never made an effort to see me. And I never understood why my mother couldn't love me the way I wanted her to. Growing older I saw (figured out) that it was because he was a bad person, and that my mom, as all people do, love each other differently. I never understood why no one wanted to be friends with me, and why they all liked things I didn't. For days on days I would do nothing but use the bathroom and build massive multi-room tents with blankets and chairs, instead of asking friends to come over. I had a few friends in school, they came and left quickly, because (I believe now) that all my friendships were one sided because I didn't know what other kids wanted out of me as a friend. Starting to have boyfriends all the same things would happen person after person. I was highly offensive and their friends would not think I was funny but crass. I would never know what they were feeling so I was pushy and annoying. They would say they loved me but I never could see that they did, so I would lash out and get angry. I was cold and very vague, and never liked touching people. This isn't the best form of girlfriend. So people pull away and make heavy distances because I would push them away or I wouldn't be a kind enough person to them. But I never knew why all of this was happening, why I had no friends, or good bonds with anyone, until I was diagnosed with Aspergers.
Coming to terms with why I could never understand peoples feelings and responding accordingly, or respond at all and not withdrawal, has been an ever more complicated road. Retracing all of my past experiences with friends and relationships, realizing that I was so lost in all of it. I always thought I was a selfish person, because people told me I only cared about my feelings, but really I just didn't know what they were feeling. And I had no clue that I was suppose to know, and look for it. It has always been the demise of human relationships for me, and I get scared of hurting people, so I pull away. It's easier to be alone than to have to track and pay 100% attention to what people are feeling and thinking and then try to come up with some way (that you won't really ever know if is the right thing to do) to react to the situation.
So can you love without ever knowing what love feels like to anyone else? Can you love someone and never know how to respond to their love? Can you love someone when you have never felt love from anyone before?
I don't know. But what I do know, is that, I can feel hurt like I know what love is.
That was a very well written and very intriguing look into the life of someone with Aspergers. I know it gave me a perspective that I had never seen before in my brief research on the subject and thankfully it has helped me understand one of my best friends to an extent that I believe I have never understood her before. I only wish now that her schedule and mine coincided a little bit more frequently so we could hang out again like we used to!!
ReplyDeleteThank you Blake! Sometimes I think people just need to tell people (with Aspergers) how they feel, cause it's not the easiest thing to guess. And then we can be more open with you!
ReplyDeleteOh JuJu, you just explained some of me and some of Adam. I am not doubting his or your diagnoses. However, from personal experience, I think that you will be loved one day and all of a sudden know HOW to love. That's what happened to me with John. The last 9 months have shown me what true love really is, not what I thought it was. The previous two times I was engaged, I thought I was in love, but no, I'm in love now. As far as friendships go.... people are just people. And while as a kid having friends means the world, I think that as an adult you form more meaningful friendships from being out in the world. Trust me, there have been times when I've stressed out about friends that I really didn't want to lose, including you. Then some friendships were lost and it was for the best. Others are always meant to be.
ReplyDeleteTrust me! You will love and be loved! Many times too, because you are young and shouldn't be tied down until it is meant to be. Be happy, be free and more importantly.... be Justine.
My sister had a very erratic, emotionally loud boyfriend for years who just drained her. They split up and then her friend's roommate showed mild interest. He was sweet, quiet, asked her to te Penguin's game for Valentine's Day. She's been with him 3 years now and love him to death. He has Asperger's; he's mild, accepting and quiet. She needed that after the last guy. Things are good.
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