December

I could have loved you so much better
but let's face it,
there wasn't much left of me to offer
I'm not walking in the dark anymore
I know my fairytale doesn't exist
and when you say you won't be home
soon enough it will be like living with a ghost
only with unmet expectations
and soon enough it will take more to sleep
without leaving the lights on
when the lake flows
the river is always dry
I never had enough to give
at least never all at once
whispers on pillows never leave a mark
and my mind will always run faster than the time
soon enough it will slip
and the noise won't be loud enough to remember

At the end of the bottle

No amount of logic or reason, could make me see the feeling in your eyes when you look at me. These words come out, and the voice grows soft, but I'd never know if it's a pause to laugh or a shared silent moment of thought. I'm distant when I think I'm all there. And I'm lost when you think I'm walking along side you. I'd never cease to ask what's wrong, just to always make sure nothing was. I'll never hear the sadness in your voice, or know when it's time to stop joking. I'll assume everything is flowers and rainbows, until I stop and realize I haven't taken the time to figure you into the picture. I'll plan it all, the moment I wake in my head, but not care to ask if you want to do any of those things. The worst, about that, is my plans are always set in stone, unless you'd be patient enough to talk me through an anxiety attack for the next thirty minutes. It's the sound of the hat hitting the floor, and the next minute you might as well have been the person I hardly knew. But I don't want to forget you. I couldn't tell you why I hold on to certain things, and let the others go. And every day is a different book, with a new story to unfold. But I never said I wanted to live like this, and I never said I could.

But I'll love you with everything I've got to give, it's an ever growing notion. I can tell you I'll never stop keeping you in my heart, even near the end of our road.

binoculars

Forget what I think
the world knows

Forget what's behind us
it's all about the day

Don't mind the kocks at the door
unless it's me behind the frames

Don't mind the restless voices
they've got no validity anyways

we'll be okay
we'll be great by the way

The better part of me is you
having that is all the sense I could ever use

Set

I could love you with my hands
but it would only be the skin of it

I could love you with my intent
but that would only be the eyes of it

and I could love you with my heart
but that was only the start of it

I could love you with my soul
but my mouth could only tell you the half of it

I could love you in the whole
and you'd begin to get the gist of it

and I do love you with all my self
I do

three months

I will always be alone
in my thoughts
in a crowded theater
knowing everyone will be confused or wounded in my words
and you could tell me you love me
but who would I be to ever say I felt it

I will always be lost
in your words
in my mind rehearsed
knowing that I'd always hurt you
and you could tell me you loved me
but I never feel deserving

I could do all the things in this world that you could ever need me to
I could drive for miles
and I could make you anything
but maybe that just means,
that some how I can think of all the ways to make you love me
but it doesn't mean you ever will

Can people with Aspergers really love anyone?

I'll start by saying, I never felt loved as a child, or growing into an adult. I don't look for pity, I'm just saying what it was like to grow up without knowing I had Aspergers. I never understood how my father would say he loved me but never made an effort to see me. And I never understood why my mother couldn't love me the way I wanted her to. Growing older I saw (figured out) that it was because he was a bad person, and that my mom, as all people do, love each other differently. I never understood why no one wanted to be friends with me, and why they all liked things I didn't. For days on days I would do nothing but use the bathroom and build massive multi-room tents with blankets and chairs, instead of asking friends to come over. I had a few friends in school, they came and left quickly, because (I believe now) that all my friendships were one sided because I didn't know what other kids wanted out of me as a friend. Starting to have boyfriends all the same things would happen person after person. I was highly offensive and their friends would not think I was funny but crass. I would never know what they were feeling so I was pushy and annoying. They would say they loved me but I never could see that they did, so I would lash out and get angry. I was cold and very vague, and never liked touching people. This isn't the best form of girlfriend. So people pull away and make heavy distances because I would push them away or I wouldn't be a kind enough person to them. But I never knew why all of this was happening, why I had no friends, or good bonds with anyone, until I was diagnosed with Aspergers.

Coming to terms with why I could never understand peoples feelings and responding accordingly, or respond at all and not withdrawal, has been an ever more complicated road. Retracing all of my past experiences with friends and relationships, realizing that I was so lost in all of it. I always thought I was a selfish person, because people told me I only cared about my feelings, but really I just didn't know what they were feeling. And I had no clue that I was suppose to know, and look for it. It has always been the demise of human relationships for me, and I get scared of hurting people, so I pull away. It's easier to be alone than to have to track and pay 100% attention to what people are feeling and thinking and then try to come up with some way (that you won't really ever know if is the right thing to do) to react to the situation.

So can you love without ever knowing what love feels like to anyone else? Can you love someone and never know how to respond to their love? Can you love someone when you have never felt love from anyone before?

I don't know. But what I do know, is that, I can feel hurt like I know what love is.

Title

I wish you could love like I love
feel what I feel
so I would always know
what way you bend
fold and mend

time would pass
like how every day is amazing
and it would fly
like every day was the beginning
and it could be
if it would be

like how a moment is an eternity
and ever will be ever
as long as ever can last

Numbers

With my nerves wrecked
and mind exhausted
my hands shake
and heart skips

It's a circle I run around in

I don't want to run in circles anymore
and I don't want to tell myself I can't do it
Don't want to say I'm not that person

If everything was meant to be
and I never get to have this
I'd never want any of it
I'd have let it all go to waste

where did my heart go
cause all I ever wanted was to give it all to you
now it doesn't seem like you ever thought it was there to begin
well it was, it is

and if I can't show you just how much I feel
than I never even deserved you,
never for a moment at all

Cars

It's like chasing the dragon you never catch
except you'll get it every time
if only you had asked
and it's hitting the pedal to the floor
but your not going anywhere any more

how you wished you'd always be there
but some how you're always stuck in a place
stuck in a corner of your mind
pretending the days don't mash together
that strings of thought
don't go placing land mines
exploding with every re-encounter

it's pretending the coffee never smells the same
and it's telling you the door is always closed behind you
if this is what you wanted,
you'd never have to worry
this is all you get

at what point
do the wheels keep turning with no tread
the veins in your elbow can't burst once again
saying too many things at once
get's old

the hands are always changing
same place different moments
and I like the smell of your coffee
being in this belt is less of a curse than
and I have nothing to say
when your hand is the hand that feeds me
mine will just be the ones that need you

Veins

I wish that in my bubble,
my perfect little word,
that's all I ever needed to live
your love

I wish I never needed food
I wish it always made my heart move
Just to live in a corner of your heart
just how things would be
just how great they would be

How my body wouldn't need the air
how I'd never fear
just to stay
in your love

and I couldn't tell you,
what the outside felt to the touch
couldn't tell you how it burns
wouldn't be able to speak of,
 how my stomach always turns

just fifteen
and I get to pretend
that I don't really live where I do
everyday, with you, I am somewhere new
just to stay

A month

I wish I could tell you how I feel
without making my waters work
or putting my pride to waste
but darling I wouldn't know how to tell you,
even if I knew what to say

If I stop fearing,
what I fear the most
maybe this would go away
but baby you told me,
you told me that this wouldn't stay

I wish that there was only one road left to travel
and darling these feet are too tired to always be going
but I woke to never knowing
I sleep to never stop walking

If this is it at it's worst
traveled roads alone
in time, in time again,
is a decent way to live an untraveled life

Soap

Let's let the river flow between us,
let's let the drops fall too near
let's take this where we haven't been, dear,
so the water can bend our minds

I never want you whisper,
any farther than I can't hear
and I never want your heart, dear,
any distance I can't find

In this light, if we say here,
all the things you want to tell
my soul could never feel, dear,
If the river was never so unrefined

For You

If I talk real slowly
If I try real hard
To make my point dear,
That you have my heart

Here I go
I'll tell you, what you already know
Here I go
I'll tell you, what you already know

If you love me, with all of your heart
If you love me, I'll make you a star in my universe
you'll never have to go to work
you'll spend everyday, shining your light my way

If I talk real slowly
If I hold your hand
If you look real closely my love,
you might understand

Here I go
I'll tell you, what you already know
Here I go
I'll tell you, what you already know 

Done

I drive my self up walls, I dig huge holes, I break every rule, press every button. It's hard to not hate who I am. Or more what I am. Completely energy draining to have to always process situations, peoples feelings, facial reactions, choice of words, body gestures, eye movements, softness or hardness in the tone of voice, if they are speaking loud or quiet, and then having to guess (quite foundation-less) what would be an appropriate thing to say and usually this is not where I stop because I want to have the best thing to say. All these things are subconscious to others, they do this and do not even notice, or maybe they don't I couldn't tell you. To have to do this every time someone ends a sentence, it gets old, it gets tiring. I always, always, wished that I could be a socially normal person, that it was not so hard. That I would not scorn myself when I accidentally said the wrong thing, because I did not take the steps to process what I should have said. I sit all day, for days, thinking of how much people will not like me, they will not understand me. I drive myself crazy. I want to let these feelings go, I want to not care. Please, god, I do not what to give a fuck. Give me the ability to communicate. That is all I want, you have no idea. I have gravitated to things where I do not have to worry about hurting other people, my dogs, writing in blogs instead of talking to someone, a job where I never have to worry about other people. I dread, I dread, the punishment I give myself when I say or do something wrong. It is almost not even worth it to ever even try to socialize with others. My whole life I have been called rude, abrasive, a bitch, a brat, a snot. I don't feel like I'm any of those things, my inner self, my core, is not that person. I hate that person, that ugly person. The little devil that lives inside me. Who never wants me close to anyone else, never wants me too far from home. How do I even find anyone who wants to talk to me for longer than a paragraph. I can't even take myself for longer. 


Being alone solves this problem. 
I never have to worry about hurting some one, especially someone I love. 

Inferior Vena Cavae

It's the sound of a car pulling in the driveway
it's the sound of the key in the door
it's the sound of my lips
and all at once,
her eyes look over to me
she gets up
and she is there, she is always there
she is there every morning when I wake
the last breath I hear when I rest
she would rather be here with me,
than anywhere without me
she walks when I walk
she moves where I move
words do not change this
the name of the day does not change this
the way I do my hair makes no matter
if I ever look at her has no force
it is impalpable,
never lost
yet I can not even tell her my name

In this very raw, natural state
it is easy to love without boundaries
to love without fear
hesitation,  or reservation
the human world we live in,
does not see this
we love with conditions,
we love in if's
in pieces
human love, places love on a scale
a scale of time
scale of exactitude
scale of status
we ask, how will this provide for me?
when the question was never a question
but a gift of all knowing
all existing
In the highest state
do we then, not only experience this,
we live in it?

Touch

This fluid
the fluid inside of all of us
inside all living things
this ever flowing immortality
it's there when you wake in the morning
there when you rest your mind
before the sunrise
after the sunset
the beginning
the end
the source
it provides us life
quantifies happiness
it's universal
always cosmic
never lost
never absent
there are no gaps
there are no levels
no spaces in time it can't reach
no moments without  
it was here before time
it was here after time
this ever flowing fluid
the fluid of life
was never anything less
and was never anything more
than
 Love
it's Self

Arms

I never walked into this knowing, yet I always knew
 I never spoke with you knowing, yet I always knew
I'd never let you take me had I knew where we were going, yet I always knew
To have never felt lost on this path,
 though the road I'd never even known
 though the road I'd never even seen
To have never felt alone on this path,
 though the road I'd never walked
 though the road I'd never believed.
I know your voice
 though I'd never heard
I know your eyes
 though I'd never seen
I know your universe
 though I'd never lived it
For the comfort in them, is only formed from memory
Yet, with the intensity and curiosity, it as it was the frist experience.

Four eyes

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting the same result. To not step away, to not take an others word, and walk the steps on an already beaten path, is to live in a world you ignore. The beautiful world around you, you care not to look, to experience, because you are too busy making circles in your path. I'd expect, if nothing less, someone help me see my feet are bloody, that maybe I need some shoes then point me to a wash to clean my sole. I know, because it's not not logical to think, that everything in the world is already known; and then ever further, known to my Self. 


When you are on a road, hands grasped to the wheel of life, do you take the way that leads you to the place you've been so many times before, the place that leaves you lost and broken every time. Or do you set aside fear of the unknown and take that risk that could lead you to the tree of life? Where exactly you turn does not matter, what road you decide to take has no impact, because as long as it's a new road you can give your Self that chance, a chance. 


I've come from love, I've come from nothing more but it could be nothing less. If I ever wanted to do anything but help, I wouldn't bother to open my mouth. Faith though, I see, is not your strong point, it's not your point at all. 

Shifting

I've been here too long, seen the same things to many times, to not have reached my potential. And I've been using the word tap, more than I've ever. Tap into thought, tap into potential. I should not be lost, because I already know where I need to go. There is already a path and there is already an ending. Just as there was a beginning. Possibly smelling the flowers was all part of the plan, maybe taking a nap on the field was what I needed. But I put on my shoes, and it's now time to walk. It's time to be. Because with every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. It's time to start creation.