Done

I drive my self up walls, I dig huge holes, I break every rule, press every button. It's hard to not hate who I am. Or more what I am. Completely energy draining to have to always process situations, peoples feelings, facial reactions, choice of words, body gestures, eye movements, softness or hardness in the tone of voice, if they are speaking loud or quiet, and then having to guess (quite foundation-less) what would be an appropriate thing to say and usually this is not where I stop because I want to have the best thing to say. All these things are subconscious to others, they do this and do not even notice, or maybe they don't I couldn't tell you. To have to do this every time someone ends a sentence, it gets old, it gets tiring. I always, always, wished that I could be a socially normal person, that it was not so hard. That I would not scorn myself when I accidentally said the wrong thing, because I did not take the steps to process what I should have said. I sit all day, for days, thinking of how much people will not like me, they will not understand me. I drive myself crazy. I want to let these feelings go, I want to not care. Please, god, I do not what to give a fuck. Give me the ability to communicate. That is all I want, you have no idea. I have gravitated to things where I do not have to worry about hurting other people, my dogs, writing in blogs instead of talking to someone, a job where I never have to worry about other people. I dread, I dread, the punishment I give myself when I say or do something wrong. It is almost not even worth it to ever even try to socialize with others. My whole life I have been called rude, abrasive, a bitch, a brat, a snot. I don't feel like I'm any of those things, my inner self, my core, is not that person. I hate that person, that ugly person. The little devil that lives inside me. Who never wants me close to anyone else, never wants me too far from home. How do I even find anyone who wants to talk to me for longer than a paragraph. I can't even take myself for longer. 


Being alone solves this problem. 
I never have to worry about hurting some one, especially someone I love.